Monday, December 6, 2010

More of the World's Finest Crap!

So once upon a time, on a nerd farm far, far away... We were en-gaged in an important piece of funnybook archeology: figurin' out, once and for all, whether it was Superman or Batman who had to put up with the most crap in their classic funnybook appearances. Then Halloween happened, and there was that whole "November" thing, and well... We just forgot about it. But today one of the new nerd wranglers (a Christmas temp) fell into the dig site. Turns out some of the boys had covered it with a tarp, hopin' to use it as a sorta... Burmese Tiger Trap? For wayward trick-or-treaters? And it just laid there gettin' covered up with leaves and snow til it finally caught itself a victim. We'll be sendin' his family a nice memorial fruit basket this Christmas, but in the meantime... Let's all go enjoy ourselves some Pure-T Classic Funnybook Crap!

Now, seein' as this thing's a competition, I thought it might be nice to lead off this round with a few covers featurin' Supes an' Bats squarin' off against each other...

1. Whether they were just brawling in general...

Real men battle with boulders!

2. ...fighting over the love of a pretty lady...

Somehow, I never pictured Supes as a size queen.

3. ...or over a love that can't be named...

Are cape rides a Boy Wonder fringe benefit?

...Superman and Batman's relationship was always a tumultuous one.

4. They couldn't even agree on how to rescue their... young companion... from a weird-ass alien monster!

Weirdest. Monster. Ever.

5. Even Batman's thrill-seeking female counterpart wanted a piece of the Superman!

Except for maybe this one.

6. Wonder if Bats was even upset when this happened...?

It doesn't take the World's Greatest Detective to notice the Utility Belt on that monster, either!
Coincidence? I think not!

7. And I doubt that Superman had much trouble making up his mind in this situation:

Bros before hos?  

8. Of course, they did have each others' backs on those occasions when they melted...

Maybe it's the Chocolate Batman!

9. ...or became distorted circus mirror versions of themselves.

Because, man, this happened way more than you'd expect.

10. Then there was that time they got really fat!

Lay off the helium donuts, boys!
(An aside: as bizarre as this cover is, I've gotta say: that's the best Crimson Avenger costume I've ever seen!)

11. Of course, even when both of them got transformed at the same time, they couldn't help but fight sometimes...

Wish I had me one a' them future brains!

12. And even when their transformations were moral ones, they couldn't get along!

Luthor and the Joker never were known for their sharp-shooting abilities. 

13. But finally, Our Heroes had enough. All the fighting, and forbidden love, and strange transformations wore them down, and in the end they were united in at least one thing:

I think this is where Ozzy got the idea for "Suicide Solution." 

14. Finally accepting that their relationship was ultimately a self-destructive one, Superman and Batman went their separate ways for a while, deciding to get some distance and see other heroes. But for Superman, the horror was only just beginning...

This month's thrilling thriller: Doom of the Tiny-Man!

In the end, of course, this settles nothing. Both these poor fools suffered indignity after indignity at the hands of the World's Finest editorial machine, and I still can't say for sure who got the worst end of it. The only thing this little trip down memory lane has proven to me is this: along with crying, monkeys, motorcycles, fire, and the color purple, the thing that sells comics the most must be... complete and utter humiliation.

No comments:

Post a Comment